How it wreaks havoc in the world
Or the “Love you, but” syndrome littering humanity
Hands up if you have never had one of these experiences. First mum and dad saying:
“ If you continue to misbehave there will be consequences”
“If you eat your greens you will get dessert”
“If you don’t go to bed immediately there will be no TV, iPad or video games tomorrow”
And then come the teacher, the boss, the kids, your husband or wife, even society playing the “if, but” game. As we grow up the threats, coercion and manipulation change in a subtle way:
“If you don’t give me this Pokémon card I won’t be your friend”
“If you don’t wear your school uniform you will go to isolation”
“If you are not nice to me, there will be no sex tonight”.
“ If you don’t pay your tax you get an even bigger bill to pay”
And more recently:
“If you don’t wear your mask or have a COVID certificate you don’t get to see the football game, go to the cinema, have a drink with you friends at the bar or eat at your favourite restaurant ”.
The list of “ifs” goes on and on.
Welcome to the world of conditional love. It was dispensed by our parents as we grew up and enforced through reprimands, punishment and blackmail. But it did not stop there. Conditional love is everywhere. In our intimate relationships, in the media and even bestowed by education, economies, governments and belief systems.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM A TRAIN TRIP THROUGH THAILAND
Sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it? But just pose for a second and think how many times a day you get conditional love?
From your partner, your kids, your parents, the teacher, the boss, even the neighbour, the shop attendant and the bus driver. The constant imparting of conditional love, has conditioned us to love conditionally as well. If fact, we are so wired to expect conditional love that we are not even willing and able to accept unconditional love.
Just think about it. Do you remember the last time a stranger just gave you a gift and didn’t ask for anything in return? If it happened, do you recall your inner conversation? Did you think:
“What do they want from me?”
“Are they trying to trick me into doing or buying something?”
No wonder, this is how we have grown up and how society and man-made systems have carefully crafted our brains to mistrust and be suspicious of anyone who genuinely wants to give us something and wants nothing in return. Systems that have conditioned us to expect and dispense conditional love.
I am guilty of this way of thinking myself. Even after years of correcting my inner conversation, I still catch myself of prejudices and judgements. Fortunately, I have been developing a mental filter, first evaluating situations and then judging, speaking and acting. But it was not always like this.
About 20 years ago I took the train from Chang Mai to Bangkok alone. A train full of people, as well as house pets and domestic animals. Bundles and plastic bags were scattered all over the compartment. A train whizzing along breath-taking sceneries of jungles, river gorges and rice paddies. Next to me sat a middle aged guy trying to strike a conversation and being quite inquisitive. My initial reaction was “What does he want from me?” “What does he want to sell from all those bundles tucked under his seat?” What I had interpreted as inquisitiveness, ended up being just genuine interest and curiosity. As mentioned, I have learned since to check my own judgements and prejudices before dispensing conditional “love” to people. But every now and again I catch myself doing it.
THOSE SYSTEMS THAT DISPENCE CONDITIONAL LOVE
So, is conditional love hardwired in the sapiens DNA? I personally don’t think so. While fear of danger and curiosity for the unknown come with the human blueprint, systematising and packaging them into products, is as natural to us as eating blue ice cream. Incidentally, did you know it is called Smurf ice cream?
These emotions are at the very core of dispensing conditional love and systems have learned far too well how to use and manipulate them. Let’s have a look at some of them.
Education dispenses conditional love by segregating boys, girls, kids with and without talent, abilities and disabilities and anything else you can possibly think of. But this is not all. Giving grades, reprimanding and punishing those that misbehave in class is also a form of conditional love.
Governments dispense conditional love to well behaved, conscientious and disciplined tax payers. As I wrote in The Price Tag Is On You:
“Despite all their shiny slogans and sophisticated branding they [governments] use the parents’ conditional love strategy to keep their kids under control.
“I love you, but..”
“I love you, but, you have to pay for my love.”
“I love you, but you have been naughty so I will have to punish you.” Either by limiting your freedom or taking away something of value to you.”
Governments also segregate between those who can and can’t access their territory, by requiring all sorts of rubber stamping paraphernalia from visas to certificates.
Media, and in particular social media, is probably the one system that has elevated the concept of conditional love to a whole new level. If you do not fit the mould of the happy, good looking and rich you are pretty much ostracised and excluded from all the fun social networks dispense lavishly on its users.
Unlike education and governments who are relatively consistent in how they allot conditional love with strict and rigid rules and regulations, the media is extremely moody and capricious. It dispenses love depending on how it feels at a given moment. One day you are the hero, applauded and lavished with love and the next you are reprimanded and disciplined for no apparent reason.
Health systems, work pretty much on the same principle. Conditional love is the speciality of the beauty and cosmetics industry. More recently even the food and beverage industry have jumped on the conditional love bandwagon. We are rewarded for being beautiful, slim and young and cold-shouldered for not being a perfect XS size, have perfect baby skin, shiny hear and white tooth. I wonder why? Could it be because all of these sell so well? The stark reality is that as I have written in Beauty, Money and Love these 3 desirable attributes fill up shareholders pockets, but do not make us happier.
However, the cherry on the icing is won by belief systems. They can teach other systems a thing or two about bestowing conditional love. As I have written in The Price Tag Is On You:
“Since when do we need intermediaries to communicate with our beliefs?”
At the core of most of these [belief] systems was and still is conditional love: “If you are a good boy, I will give you a sweet…” Sounds familiar? From polytheist beliefs in temperamental and capricious gods in Greece, Egypt and India to monotheistic religions such as Christianity and Islam, all have an element of conditional love based on fear…Conditional love has created a handy dynamic to keep the masses in check.”
While it service nicely man-made systems, all of this “love” dispensed conditionally has devastating effects on the current humankind set up. Extremism, violence, terrorism, divorce, abandoned children, depression, rejected assailment-seekers, mobbed teens, to mention but a few. And all of these because systems have highjacked our love, made it conditional and put a price tag on it.
THE SECRET
However, what would happen if just for a day you dispensed unconditional love? You forgave your kids, spouse and friends, the teacher, the boss, the government. You gave a smile, a thanks and a kind word to the stranger on the street, shop keeper or the bus driver? You gave a gift to your boss or colleagues?
May be, just maybe, this will start to shift our perspective about how we dispense love and gradually we will reach a tipping point. A point where we live a kinder and more generous world. A world in which we see the beautiful rather than the ugly. A world which is abundant and not scarce.
Are you curious to learn more about in what other ways man-made systems mould us into products? Read The Price Tag Is On You