How systems make us obsessed with love

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

The floor was fealty. The aches from the fireplace kept swivelling around the kitchen, covering the stone floor like a thin blanket. She kept scrubbing. But no matter how much she scrubbed she and the kitchen were always covered in aches. Until… Until her prince saved her. 

Does this remind you of something? A story you may have heard a thousand times. A poor, ostracised and mistreated girl meets her prince. He saves her from the wicket witch, stepmother and all other villains and they live happily ever after. This is just the beloved story of Aschenputtel, Cenicienta, Cendrillon, literally meaning Ash Girl. Change the name from Cinderella to Snow White or Ariel (à-la-Disney) and the narrative is pretty much the same. We are all looking for our princes and princesses who will swipe us of our feet, shake off the dust and take us to Neverland where we will live happily ever after.

Love has always existed; In fairy-tales, legends and epic sagas. And, of course in real life. But humanity’s obsession with romantic love is recent. And we have the likes of Disney and Jane Austin to thank for it. Pride and Prejudices, Sense and Sensibility, and Emma are the Victorian version of modern day soap operas, reality shows and Insta-life. Until then Love (with a capital L), and the romantic version of it, had little to do with the binding contract between two or more human beings. Disney, just rode on this trend and highjacked some of the most beloved romantic tails of all times.  Few know that these very same beloved romantic tails are not even the brainchildren of Charles Perrault, Hans Christian Andersen or the Grimm brothers. They just “borrowed” them from popular culture.

You may argue that humanity’s obsession with love is nothing new. And you would be absolutely right. Indeed, there were Greek philosophers and Oriental savvies who devoted their lives to the intellectual and spiritual pursuit of love. Languages also reflect the vast variety of the interpretations and use of the word “love”. 

However, we have the likes of Austin and Disney to thank for the commercial version of our love. In fact, until a couple of centuries ago romantic stories were mainly tragedies of unfulfilled love. From Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet’s to Grimm’s Little Mermaid (the original, not the Disney story) we have plenty of examples of broken hearts and unshared feelings. 

Thanks to the industrial revolution our love was commercialised. Traded freely on the market. Industrialisation gave birth to the popularisation and mass distribution of love stories. Humanity’s imagination was fuelled by the dreamy tales of two being, from the opposite sex, wed in magical, miraculous and unique union. Soulmates “unit death us parts”.

Sadly, the current reality is somewhat sobering. Actually, it is more like a cold shower on a hot day. Shocking? The number of divorces and single parents are a testimony of how wrong the whole romantic fairy-tale business has gone. Take a guess. What do you thing is the divorce rate in “developed” countries? 20? 30? 40 per cent?  

In fact, most such countries record about 40% of couples breaking their marriage vows. Divorce rates are rampant. 65% in Spain. 55% in France. 51% in Russia. 46% in the U.S. 44% in Germany. 42% in the UK and New Zealand And 38% in Australia. And a staggeringly high 87% in Luxembourg (Source: Unified Lawyers).

We see a very similar picture when it comes to children being ferried back and forth between parents. The share of single parents is as high as 34% in Sweden, 29% in Denmark and 21% in France (Source: Eurostat).

You may be fuming in disbelief by now. It sounds preposterous, doesn’t it? Surely love gives us purpose in live, makes us better human beings and elevates us to a different level of awareness. Indeed. But if this was the case why are some many loving partners becoming worst enemies? Why do they use extortion, manipulation, slander and even violence once the Love is gone? Could it be that our beliefs and emotions linked to romantic love are shaped since an early age to serve a purpose?

In fact, our relentless pursuit of Love is serving huge interests. Manmade systems have highjacked our love. Love has become a convenient and lucrative cash cow. 

Media is blasting images of loving couples holding hands and staring at each other with starry eyes. They manipulate our emotions and attention into believing that the big Love is a desirable attribute of life. A box that absolutely needs ticked.  A bucket list item that needs to be filled.

Governments regulate our Love by imposing rigid contracts and obligations on married couples.

Belief systems, and in particular religion, impose on us stereotypes about Love and make us feel guilt and shame if we disobey. Just think of the beliefs and stigma we have attached to being divorced or a single parent child. 

But the cherry on the icing goes to economies. Our Love is worth billions. Real estate, online dating, wedding, travel businesses, and many more, charge a premium and thrive on our Love. While Weddings are a shrinking $50-60 billion market on-line dating is booming and is projected to grow to $10 billion in 5 year.Online Dating Industry reported about 43 million active users on different online dating apps in 2020. And this is only in the U.S.

Economies grab the spoils and run as fast as they can, leaving us to battle with the harsh reality of what comes after. After the first date, the wedding, the honeymoon or romantic trip, or moving into a new house. 

All these systems have created a tight knit, a web that grips us so firmly that it is hard to see the escape route.  So much so that people who are not “In Love” at all or with an opposite sex partner feel ostracised, alienated and isolated. They just don’t feel into the tights mould that systems have put on us.

Systems let us confuse intentionally obsession, affection, fleeting intimacy and attraction with love. They promote purposefully the idea of the unique, lifelong and discriminating love. Because this is what sells. This is what  puts a price tag on you and me, and all of us. However, this has devastating knock-on effects on humanity. Abandoned children, depression and even suicide and violence.  

THE SECRET

So, here is the secret. Stop looking for love outside you, it is within you.

Humanity has been so obsessed and brainwashed with the commercial concept of romantic love that it has bundles up a state of mind with a man-made systems. Systems that aims to gain full control over our emotions. It is in their interest to make us belief that we can get, bargain for and buy love from the external world. In reality, all they do is provide us with a snapshot. A slice of life.  A perfect elusive moment. One that we have all learned to yearn for trying to grip onto so tightly. 

But love is not something we have or do, love is something that we are. Love comes with the human blueprint. This is how we are hardwired. We are love. Systems only capitalise on this human quality. This brings us back to the point of love giving us purpose in live, making us better human beings and elevating us to a different level of awareness.

Only recently we have started to pay attention to more encompassing, compassionate and universal states of being which are also love.  May be those Greek philosophers and Oriental savvies where on to something after all.

Read more about the systems that turn us into products in The Price Tag is On You and discover more secrets on how you can change them. And do not be too harsh on yourself  and man-made systems. They are only as good their inventors and followers.